Ok, so here is my blog!

I am writing this blog because I want to understand myself better as a person. I want to show both you and me some of the challanges I had in my life and these past years of studying abroad in England when being Swedish.

I hope that my thoughts and comments can help you in any way if you have had challanges and want to try to understand what you have learnt from them.

I reflect upon experiences and trying to understand what I have learnt from them because I believe everything happens for a reason, I often feel the need to find it when I need to deal with something difficult.

Hope this can help you get some insight and encouragement when you have challenges and if not, hopefully you enjoyed reading it anyway

xx
Rebecca

Saturday 8 October 2011

W. A. N. T.

W. A. N. T.
Four letters that together can seem selfish. Yes, selfish. The society tells us we should be considerate and think about others before any decisions are made, and yes, that's a responsible way to act - of course. But sometimes I believe it is important to be selfish - think about yourself. What do you want? There is an expression that can be used here; happy wife, happy home...not that I'm a wife! But you know what I mean. Maybe it's true?!

Anyway, I'm watching Parenthood for some reason...well the reason is that I don't have a TV and I am in bed with a cold that never seems to disappear as its been here for three weeks. So Ive basically watched a few streamed TV shows, one of them being Parenthood. I love that Lauren Graham, from Gilmore Girls, is in it! Amazing character and I love her daughter in it too...and the grandpa is amazing! Lots of authority...anyway the TV show is about a family and they all live close together, well a few live in the same house but they all live in the same city. They all hang out having dinners, go to school together, just walking in to someones house to hang out, Its just very relaxed and very intimate between them all which I really long for.

I long for being closer to my family, because after all, they are my FAMILY and they come first in my life - always! I want to be able to pop over to my mum and dad just to chat with them, have dinner maybe or a cup of tea and then leave. I would love to just be able to snuggle down in a sofa with my sisters and brother watching a film or just some random TV show, laughing....I would love that. I really miss my family and I realise I am here, in London, chasing after my 'dream' because I have said I would move back to London ever since my family moved to Sweden, over 19 years ago! Its just crazy! Will it be so horrible if I left London, to go HOME and to just be there, figure things out, start my career there? Will it be fun? Will it be the TV show Parenthood?? Probably not to be honest. After all, a TV show is directed to show only interesting parts of a family's life, right? I'm just saying, that is my dream. But maybe I need to fight to get the dream to work in London...maybe...does anyone else struggle? Probably, but i feel very lonely, although I'm not alone.

To strive towards a goal - a career goal, does this have to mean I need to be away from my family? Ah, I'm so confused now, I don't know what I want or what I need to make myself feel good.

Don't get me wrong! I am so happy at my two jobs that I have. They give me confidence, I learn a lot from both of the jobs I have. I realise I need to feel needed, I need to feel that I am doing a good job and I need praise when I have done something good - otherwise I shut down. This is something that I need to work on, of course, because, although I am now out in the real world, it has, so far, been really kind to me. Where I work, they are funny, take me on board, I feel welcome and competent which is really important to me! So I LOVE it!!!

Maybe I can just stay here for a while, and see how it goes...maybe I'll move home later..when I'm older...yea maybe...or maybe Ill stay....time will tell...i guess...

xx
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